Hate myself

Depression is never ending isn't? I am sitting here on Christmas Day 2021, and I wish I had never been born, more now than most days before. I am an absolute failure in my life. From the time I was born through tomorrow I have never been greater than average. I've never been a winner or successful. It took me 25 years and a round about way to earn my bachelor's degree. I felt more like cheated the system than like I succeeded. 

Most people my age are spending today with their loved ones, I was even ignored at a restaurant until I walked out and went through a drive up.

So why am I still alive? Why can't I be brave enough to end my breathing. If I only had the energy to clear my living space and to get family things to family, then buy myself a burial plot and end my life.

Why couldn't I have been normal and found someone who could love me?